


all the quiet nights you bear

by Tator



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, david helps him through it the best he can, matteo has a depressive episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 11:45:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19905190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tator/pseuds/Tator
Summary: David flipped back to Jonas’ chat. The typing message was up and still bouncing with the glee of an upcoming message, but David couldn’t help but think that this was taking too long, that this wasn’t just a friendly check up from a pal, that something was going on and Jonas wasn’t telling him what it was.something is wrong.or david finds out about matteo's mi





	all the quiet nights you bear

**Author's Note:**

> this is from a [prompt](https://bagels-and-seagulls.tumblr.com/post/186224905938/could-u-possibly-write-something-about-david) on my tumblr about david finding out about matteo's MI when he has an depressive episode that was answered in three parts. all three parts are here. if i add anymore to it, i will update this one to match :)
> 
> title from "I will" by Mitski

David’s phone buzzed next to his textbook, and he caught a brief glace of _Jonas_ before he turned back to the page on human migration in the Neolithic Age. After he finishes going over the chapter, maybe an hour later, he checks his phone again, already have forgotten the text he had gotten earlier. There are a few messages in _ok.cool_ about plans this weekend, something about a party like there always was. Laura asked him what he wanted for dinner. Someone tagged him on Instagram. And then he gets to opening Jonas’ text.

_have you heard from matteo?_

David scrunched his face up and bit at his thumb nail. When was the last time he had heard from Teo? Last night probably, he thought. Hadn’t David told him he was going to spend all day studying? He must have because he hasn’t heard anything from him today. He scrolled to his messages with _bella stella_ and saw that they haven’t messaged in over two days, when David told him goodnight. He hadn’t seen Matteo yesterday at all either; he had been too focused on his test coming up.

_Not since Monday night_ , he responded to Jonas.

He turned back to his book and read the first sentence of the next chapter before his mouth twisted up like it was hooked with something laced in worry in the corners and grabbed his phone again. _Why?_ He added.

He watched as the text bubble saying that Jonas was typing came up and then disappeared again after only a second. It came back a moment later and vanished again, and that’s when David’s gut started to churn with something related to dread. Jonas was always quick to respond, even if it was the wrong thing, so he wasn’t sure what was taking so long now. It happened for a third time before he opened his and Matteo’s chat again and quickly typed out, _Studying is killing me :(( wanna hang out tonight?_

David flipped back to Jonas’ chat. The typing message was up and still bouncing with the glee of an upcoming message, but David couldn’t help but think that this was taking too long, that this wasn’t just a friendly check up from a pal, that something was going on and Jonas wasn’t telling him what it was.

_something is wrong._

David had his shoes on before he even noticed that he’s flown out of his seat in a flurry like he was hurricane storming onto the beach, not even realizing it was destroying the coast in its wake to make it up to land. His mind is too busy spinning with the need to figure out what _something is wrong_ meant. He just throws on his layers he had thrown around his room earlier, and he’s out the door, knocking down a chair in the process. Laura will see the evidence of the frenzy when she gets back.

_Where is he? I’m coming_

Jonas response is immediate this time, and David tries to keep his jaw from tightening even further. _i dont know if thats a good idea._

_I’m coming._ He repeats.

Hans is the one that lets him up to the apartment. David half thought that Jonas would be the one on the other side of the door, but he doubted he was even there. Jonas has always had a sixth sense that told him when there was something wrong with Matteo, an extra eye on the back of his head that David knew he would never grow himself. Hans pokes his head through the door, and for a minute it feels like David isn’t here all the time, like David doesn’t have his own key, like half of David’s soul isn’t on the other side and _something is wrong_.

“I don’t know if now is a good time, butterfly,” Hans greeted with a click of his tongue. He smiled sadly, and David wanted to scream.

David tried not to push past him in anticipation, in a swell of the chorus where the beat would drop to something more sinister and the opera house would figure out just what was in store. “Where’s Matteo? Jonas said something was wrong.”

“He’s not feeling well.”

David cocked his head to the side. “He didn’t say he was sick.” Hans sighed, and David felt a rush in his stomach with the need to see his boyfriend. “I want to see him.”

“Okay,” Hans cracked easily and opens the door to let David through. David feels like he let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding and rushed into the door. Hans grabbed his arm quickly. “Just-“ He shook his head liked he was clearing whatever he wanted to say. “Just don’t freak out, okay? He’ll be fine in a couple of days max. Okay?”

David swallowed and then nodded, already freaked out regardless of the warning.

He tiptoed into Matteo’s room. The lamp on his desk was on, but for some reason, the room felt like the darkness was creeping out of the corners, like it had been waiting to for its moment to sink into all of the cracks in the paint and stay there for the rest of eternity, letting everyone know its presence, even in the light. David swallowed again, already over the edge. Matteo was laying on the bed, and David walked over to him, afraid that his footsteps were too loud in a room that seemed ready to drown anything that dared disturb the void it had created for itself.

“Teo,” he whispered as he dropped down in front of him. Matteo was awake, or at least his eyes were open. They were staring off into the corner of the room where a crack went up the wall like a weed up a sidewalk grate. David pushed some of the hair off his face, and Matteo didn’t move, didn’t even look up at him, didn’t even notice he was there; he just continued to look at the crack in the wall, if looking described what he was doing. He was in his own little world, and David didn’t know if he could shake him out of it.

“Matteo,” David said a little louder and pushed his hand through his hair. It was greasy like it hadn’t been washed in days, and it probably hadn’t been. “Are you okay?”

Matteo’s eyes slinked up to look at the general area where David was, but it didn’t seem like he was looking at him at all, more like through him, around him, by him. David suddenly realized that Matteo was incredibly far away right now, not in his body- maybe too far into his mind. His eyes were glassy, and his skin was pale like he had seen a ghost, like he was in the aftershocks of something so terrifying that the scream had all been pulled out of him and there was nothing left to do but stare and hope it didn’t come back. David thinks that maybe it had come back, that this wasn’t the first time Matteo has seen something come out from under his bed.

“Are you okay?” He repeats because he has to say something. He has to break this excruciating silence where he sees the love of his life broken into fragments in front of him, and no one even told him to bring the glue. Is this what all the kings horsemen felt like when staring down at humpty dumpty with no hopes of putting him back together? It was _agonizing._

Matteo eyes went back to the crack in the wall, and David thinks that he hasn’t seen him blink yet. “Can I stay with you a while?” David asks through a lump growing in his throat from something close to horror tied together with a ribbon soaked in wrath.

Matteo doesn’t respond, and David just looks at him a little longer trying to fight all of his instincts that say he has to _fix this_ , has to fix Matteo. Because somewhere deep down he knew that he couldn’t, that there was nothing he could do at all, and that thought scared him more than the way that Matteo’s neck looked like he had scratched it raw, trying to claw something out. “I’m going to stay a while, okay?” He says just to hear something other than the rushing in his ears.  
David toed off his shoes and crawled in bed behind Matteo to pull him close to his chest. Matteo doesn’t move all night. David doesn’t know if he fell asleep. He didn’t think he would be able to with how much he was consumed with the desire to shake someone, maybe Matteo to get him to just acknowledge him or maybe himself because he should have seen this coming he thinks.

He didn’t know how he made it through the night or the next morning with Matteo completely lax to the world. He just tried to remember Matteo’s voice whenever he heard the floor creak. Sometime in between the third time that David kissed Matteo’s shoulder in hopes to get him to just _do anything_ and when he thinks he dozed off for a few minutes, David’s worry nestled itself under the mountain of concern and low thrumming anxiety that made itself home in his gut, just waiting until Matteo snapped out of this. 

“Matteo,” David whispered into the back of his head. He ran his fingers down the side of Matteo’s arm, more for himself than anything else, a reminder that Matteo was real, really in front of him, really as still as a statue, hurting with something David didn’t even know, something that he couldn’t fix,. 

He laid with him for a while longer, fixing the wrinkles in Matteo’s shirt, moving the blanket over his shoulders, combing through his hair, just doing anything to keep himself occupied. He was never one to be able to sit still very long, but the idea of leaving made something sour sting up the back of his neck. 

Eventually he sat up. He could tell from where he was sitting with his back to the wall and toying with a hole in the bottom of his shirt that Matteo’s eyes were open, still staring at the crack in the wall. David wondered why, why he kept staring over there, what he could be thinking about all night that made him want to look at something for hours and hours. He only thought about it for a second before he scrunched up his face and realized that the answer would probably make his face heat up like it usually did when he couldn’t hold back his anger, that anything that would make the sweetest boy he knew cramp up in sadness, and fear, and self-loathing would probably make David want to get his hands a little bloody. Or make him want to cry. Probably both. 

David sat there for a while longer, trying to keep his mind from racing around the thousands of things that the crack in the wall could mean before his stomach started to growl quietly. It was then that he realized it was well into the afternoon, and he hadn’t eaten since before he started studying yesterday. “Teo, sweetie,” he moved some of the hair away from Matteo’s face. “When is the last time you ate?”

Matteo didn’t move, and David wasn’t surprised, just disappointed that he wasn’t. “I’m going to make us some food, okay? I’ll be right back, monkey. Alright?” He leaned down to kiss above Matteo’s ear before slipping out of the room. 

Hans was in the kitchen, taking off the kettle of the stove when David got there. “How is he?” Hans asked. 

“Does this happen a lot?” David asked back. He opened the fridge, and there was nothing on Matteo’s shelf, probably nothing in his cupboard either if he were to open that. 

Hans passed him some bread and pointed to the cheese that was on his own shelf in offering. “Sometimes. Every couple of months, I guess.”

David started putting together some sandwiches. “How long does it last?” 

Hans shrugged and leaned against the counter. “A couple of days. A week most.” 

“How long this time?” 

“He was acting out of it on Tuesday morning, went into his room after going out with Amira, and… well, you know the rest.”

David felt his ears go hot. His hands stilled in the air over the bread. Tuesday, he thought to himself. That was three days ago at this point. Three days where Matteo probably felt like he was the only person on earth and that no one wanted him around, which was so completely away from the truth that David couldn’t even fathom it. But David didn’t know if anyone had even told him that, that he was still loved and trusted and wanted. Matteo had probably worked himself up into a panic, an anxiety that drained him so completely for three days that staring at a wall was the only thing he could muster up the energy to do, and no one even bothered to _tell him_. 

Hans watched him out of the corner of his eye. “This wasn’t our thing to tell, David. You know that,” he said like he was reading David’s mind. 

David sighed and shook his head because he did. He knew that. It didn’t help the anger that was still swirling around his chest at how unfair this all seemed to be, that the universe was just so _cruel_ sometimes. David pushed that thought back and went back to making the sandwiches. “Do you think he ever would have told me?” He asked quietly, already thinking he knew the answer. 

Hans wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “We all have parts of ourselves we don’t talk about, butterfly. Some are easier to let go than others.” 

David went back to Matteo’s room. Matteo was on his back with his eyes closed, and David had to push back the lump in his throat that wanted to become a cry for joy and a cry for help at the same time. He forced himself to stay calm and walked back over to the bed. He sat down the food and crawled to sit crisscross, looking over at Matteo but holding back to the urge to run his hand down his chest. 

“Hey, you hungry?” He said quietly. He shoved a bite into his mouth before he started to ramble out something to fill the silence of the room that he was convinced would swallow him up last night. 

Matteo didn’t say anything, and David ate slowly to keep his fingers and mouth occupied. 

“David,” Matteo murmured lowly. 

David’s eyes snapped up. Matteo was looking at the ceiling. His eyes were still glassy but they weren’t big and red like they were last night. “Yeah, Teo?” 

Matteo’s eyes slid from the ceiling to David in a glacial pace that had David leaning forward in hopes that to speed up his chance to look into Matteo’s eyes and have him look back, but as soon as Matteo looked, his eyes shot back up to the ceiling. David released the breath that he was holding with a sag of his shoulders. 

“You shouldn’t be here.” David didn’t see Matteo’s mouth move, even though he was hanging on his every move, but he was still able to make out the words, making his heart sink down low into the floorboards. 

“Do you want me to leave?” He asked slowly. 

Matteo didn’t say anything, but shook his head the tiniest amount. 

“Are you hungry?” 

Matteo shook his head again, smaller this time, if that was possible. David wondered how much longer this burst of energy was going to last and knew that what he said and did in these moments could change how much Matteo would let him in the next time this happened. 

David put the sandwich on the table. “Can I lie down with you?” 

Matteo’s eyes flicked to him quickly, and David felt like he was sizing him up in that instant, seeing if he was serious, seeing if he was just getting his hopes up for David to crush them later. And David wanted to scream because not even 100 men could drag him from Matteo’s side if they were rabid, now or ever. He wanted to go and find whoever had made him feel like had had to look at David and find out if he was serious because someone gave Matteo false promises and now he only trusted if he had his hand curled tight around his own heart, afraid to let anyone close enough to glimpse it. 

Matteo looked back at the ceiling with a tilt in his chin that made David think it was okay. 

David pushed himself close to Matteo’s side with his face shoved into his shoulder and circled his arms tight around Matteo’s waist, just on the comfortable side of suffocating. He pressed a kiss into the seam of Matteo’s shirt. “This okay?” He whispered, wanting to push himself even closer until he could crawl into Matteo’s very skin, if only he would let him. 

“Yeah,” he heard Matteo say. It was the first time David felt like smiling in days. 

He slept some more the next night, enough to feel like he slept at the least, but Matteo must not have. He was staring at the space between David’s eyebrows with his hands curled tightly into his own chest when David started to shake himself awake. Matteo looked as if like he was afraid to touch, like he was afraid to reach out and realize that David wasn’t there. He wanted to grip at Matteo’s hands himself, feeling like he wanted to piece together everything that had fallen around them until this all got better, until it all made sense. 

It was still early. The sun was low in the sky, and there was pink light spilling into the room that normally David would take a second to enjoy, just take a second to soak in the natural beauty that was in front of him. But right now it just made him feel slightly more bitter than sweet when the sun was so beautiful and his sun wasn’t, that the sun had the audacity to create art on the walls when his favorite muse couldn’t even get out of bed. 

“Morning,” David whispered.

Matteo’s eyes flicked David’s quickly, briefly making eye contact before focusing back on the tip of his nose. David felt like he was a recovering addict in the same room as his favorite drug because Matteo had always been intoxicating to him, and he suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about getting his next hit. He resisted the urge to push himself into Matteo’s space and grip onto him tight enough to leave indents where he was holding onto his very soul, but he was afraid if he moved too fast than the Matteo would cramp up and crawl back onto his shell, afraid to come back out again. Instead, he whispers even quieter than before, “Can I?” He ran his index finger lightly over the back of Matteo’s fist. 

Matteo pushed his chin up quickly and then back down like nodding was taking an effort that could move mountains. David curled one of his hands around Matteo’s wrist, wanting to feel Matteo’s pulse, wanting to feel something moving in Matteo because his body wasn’t. He pushed his other hand through Matteo’s hair and pursed his lips slightly up at the grease his felt slip through his fingers. 

“Okay?” He asked.

Matteo closed his eyes slowly, and for a second David thought he might go to sleep, that all he needed to relax was the physical confirmation that David was here, that he would be able to feel him if he tried to slip away. Matteo sunk a little lower into the sheets, and David wrapped an arm around his shoulders to pull him closer. He felt Matteo breathe into his sweater, and he kissed his forehead. 

He must have fallen back asleep because when he woke up again, Matteo was tucked tightly under his chin, gripping the back of his sweater. The room was bright now, no longer holding the rosy hue it had earlier, and for just a moment, David felt like he was waking up on any other morning, that his boyfriend was curled into his side like he always did in the night, and that they were going to wake up together, and David would see Matteo smile, and they would have breakfast together, and Matteo would throw parts of his toast at David, who would just laugh because seeing Matteo happy could brighten up any part of David’s day. 

David felt Matteo’s shoulders raise with a deep breath. Matteo let go of the back of the David’s shirt only to grip it again a second later like he regretted the lack of contact, like having a hold on David was better than the consequence he would face for tearing a hole in the fabric with his nails, not that he would get one. David wrapped an arm around his waist in hopes that it said it was okay, and Matteo could hold on as tight as he wanted to. Matteo could grip onto his very skin and he would welcome the bite. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” Matteo mumbled lowly, slowly, like he was testing the words out in his mouth. 

David swallowed down something vile. He held back his desire to scream that Matteo had told him that last night, that he didn’t know what that meant, that he didn’t want to go, that his heart broke with the mere thought of leaving this very room right now. He held back his screams to know why. Why shouldn’t he be? Why did he do? What was he doing _wrong?_

“Do you want me to leave?” David said carefully, trying to reign all of his emotions in. 

Matteo paused for a long moment, still gripping on David’s clothes. “You’re sad.” 

“I’m not sad.” 

“I didn’t want to make you sad.” 

“Teo,” David gripped at the back of his neck to see if Matteo would look up at him. He looked right at the edge of David’s ear. “You didn’t make me sad. I’m not sad.” 

“You’re not happy,” Matteo argued, and David wanted to see how long he could make this last. Matteo was talking for the first time in days, and David was more than happy to drag it out just to feel the rumble in Matteo’s chest under the palm of his hand, even if what he was saying made something ring in the back of David’s head.

David pressed his lips into Matteo’s check. “I’m just worried, monkey.” 

“I didn’t mean to,” Matteo let go of his shirt, and David gripped at his elbow before he got any ideas to curl away. “Are you mad at me?” 

David pushed himself up. He placed one hand over Matteo’s heart, pushing him carefully onto his back, and then put his other hand on Matteo’s jaw to try and get him to look at him. He feels like he hasn’t seen Matteo’s eyes in years, in millennia. This is what sailors stuck in a drought must feel like, David thinks, so used to staring out into the deep blue that the rusty brown of dirt doesn’t feel quite right, even if it made them feel just as lost. Without the feeling of water on their face, they never quite got their balance right on solid land. David feels like he’s had vertigo for days at this point, and Matteo is the only thing that can set him upright. 

“Of course not, Matteo.”


End file.
